Reggie can tackle my bush.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
