I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
