Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
