This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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