i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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