Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Everything about him screamed your future.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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