Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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