Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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