my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
