I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Randomize
