so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
