Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
