Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
