I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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