You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
