WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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