My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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