respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
