I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
COCAINE IS GR8
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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