the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
