I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
