My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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