my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
