God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
