Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
operation have a gay friend backfired
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
