You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
