R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i already hear my dad disowning me
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
