Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
third nipple confirmed
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize
