There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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