I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Less talking, more tequila
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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