bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
