I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
