Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
