I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
