Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
