Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
