quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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