she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
