Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
