You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
