Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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