You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
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