The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
