All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
