This phone does not accept mass texts. Try again.
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
