Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future�
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
