I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
