Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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