Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
