Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Randomize
